Memory Lane

Habili-blog 10/29/18
“Memory Lane”
by Jared Mayes

When the average person “goes down memory lane” it’s made up of memories of riding a bike for the first time, that first kiss from your pre-teen romance, or that road trip with your high school buddies. Memory Lane is usually filled with sunshine and smiles. For some though Memory Lane has some dark alleys that are filled with darkness and pain. Although I do recommend staying on the main road after you get sober, sometimes it’s necessary and in some cases unavoidable to peek your head around the corner and check out the demons that lie within.

You must learn to look at a memory as a learning lesson and not as a barrier.

I have an incredible job that allows me to go into the local Hawaii jails and prisons and speak with inmates who have a little bit of hope left that they can change their lives and break the cycle of addiction. Some however would rather feed and perpetuate the cycle. Many of the inmates I visit with use their past as an excuse to not allowing themselves the opportunity to move forward. For some it’s a pride that they can’t or shouldn’t project weakness. For others it could be a fear that they are unable to change.

The rest of the individuals I visit just don’t have a willingness to do anything more than exist in the world they have created for themselves.

I had the unique experience of watching someone stroll down memory lane today. Someone who was stuck running on the hamster wheel of the judicial system. She was one of the few that realized 17 years ago that she wasn’t going anywhere and decided to step off the wheel. Returning to the place she once called her second home. Seeing some of the same women she once called friends. The look in her eyes was not disgust. She did not give off an aura that she was better than. What she felt was pity. Pity that 17 years later the same people that could have had the same opportunity she did, instead chose to grow roots in a place meant to lock people away from the roads leading to change.

Pride is a dangerous thing. It can cause a false confidence that blocks you from seeing another individual’s point of view.

There’s a flip side to that though. A pride that validates you are doing exactly what you need to do. When she saw her friends there were no thoughts of her wondering what life would have been like if she was still able to “party” and “have fun.” Seeing them affirmed that the hard work she put into getting sober, starting a family, working towards a master’s degree, and dedicating her life to helping others was much too valuable to ever imagine losing or never having achieved.

I am an observer of people and most of what I have learned about being a successfully recovered addict has been from finding and emulating those who have done what I aim to do.

To watch this thought process reveal itself before my eyes gave me hope. Hope that one day when I am inevitably placed in a situation where I find myself walking down memory lane I will have the strength to look at my life and what it has become and pity those who have not created enough value for their lives to want something different. Being able to put your pride aside and realize that you need help is only half the battle. Actually putting in effort to work on the behaviors and emotions that led you to a life of crime and drug use is another quarter of the battle. The final quarter and quite possibly the most important is to continue creating value and maintaining your newly found lifestyle so that you may never have to return to the life you once lived.