Habili-blog 11/30/18
“Mama’s Boy”
by Jared Mayes
She suddenly jolts up from a dead sleep.
Dripping sweat, she looks at the clock. It’s nearly 3:00 AM. She tries to rationalize what could have woken her up. Did a door slam? Was it thunder? She already knows the truth she’d rather not admit. Something is wrong with her little boy. It’s the same irking feeling in her stomach as it always is. He spent 9 months developing inside her and now she’s cursed with the unfortunate ability to feel his pain.
She forces herself back to sleep and begrudgingly wakes up the next morning. She tries to drown the feeling with her morning coffee. At last she can’t help herself and her compelled fingers dial the number. He picks up. “Hey mom long time no talk.” She told herself the last time really was the last time. The lies he tells her do not relieve the knots within her. Of course, he’s fine. He’s always fine.
His voice cracks as he hangs up and looks down at his arms.
He runs his fingers over the pincushions he has created and wonders if she believed him. Why does she always have to call at the moment he needs help the most? More so, why can’t he just tell her how much he needs his mom and throw in the towel for the life of misery he chose for himself. He picks up his phone to call her back, but his fingers have other plans. Instead he throws his phone across the room and plunges the needle deep into his pale, sweat soaked skin.
As he fades out into the warmth, he forgets all about his mom and her worries. He has escaped once again. The only problem is she doesn’t get to escape. The only warmth she finds is beside the little flame inside her that keeps her praying for him to someday get the help he needs.
Unfortunately, this is a common reality of a mother and son relationship when addiction is involved.
The intuition of a mother is an almost supernatural form of communication that links the two together. No matter what the circumstance and no matter how much wreckage has been caused, that link will never break. I am proud to say I am a mama’s boy. I am proud to say that my mom is my best friend. I live with 80 plus other males who aren’t strangers to this same pride.
I speak a lot about the experiences of watching interactions with other resident’s families. I’ve heard grown men tell stories about their moms with the illumination of elation shining all over their faces. I’ve watched as these same men have struggled through letters home to their moms not knowing what to say. I’ve even listened in to seemingly awkward phone calls that ended with utter joy of just hearing their mother’s voice.
I’ve watched these interactions grow and strengthen as bonds are mended and pain is forgotten.
I think back on my own relationship with my mother. I remember fighting with my brothers over who got to hold her hand in the grocery store. I remember begging to come downstairs after my bath to watch tv for just a little bit longer with her. Of course, I had to close my eyes when the bloody scenes came on “ER,” but it was worth it just to spend a few extra minutes with her.
I also remember all the lies and pain I put her through. If I could take it all away of course I would. I know for a fact we all would take the hurt away from our mother’s if it were possible. They say the best way to apologize is silently. To many that might seem counterproductive, but our actions speak louder than words. I know that everyday I choose to do the right thing and push myself harder, my mother hears my apology much more clearly than over a phone call or in a letter. I know that every night she doesn’t spend worrying if her son is alive or dead, she hears my apology in surround sound.
To all the mother’s who tonight will sleep soundly, listen closely and you just might hear that same apology knowing your son is for once ok.
Love always,
All the Mama’s boys
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