On my own

Habili-blog 9/17/18
“On My Own”
by Jared Mayes

Independence vs. Dependence

I have spent the greater portion of my life trying to attest to my misguided independence. It’s the age-old mentality that I need to be treated like the man that I am. Unfortunately, this all started at about 14 when I clearly was not an adult, and obviously ill equipped to make adult decisions. I refused to take advice from anyone and always thought everyone was just trying to hold me back. The ironic part of my pursuit for independence is that it led to a very strong chemical dependence which I chose to be enslaved to for over a decade.

You can’t be an adult without acquiring the necessary skills to think like an adult.

On the same token, the average Joe off the streets can’t decide to become a brain surgeon, throw an ad on Craigslist, and be in the operating room that same afternoon. When my closed off adolescent mind shut out the very ones trying to teach me these skills, I walked my way straight into a mouse maze where I was always trying to “find my way out.” Again, this ironic story continues because if I could have just shut up and listened and taken the help offered to me I would have got the map to the maze. I would have known where every wrong turn would have taken me and the best route to get me to the figurative end of the maze.

The ability to shut your mouth and open your ears is more meaningful than any amount of independence.

There were a lot of times throughout my treatment where I found it hard to see the value in things like making my bed every day and shaving every morning. This was once again my independence and me thinking I knew what was best for me and my sobriety. After about a week I started rationalizing in my head that I already know how to do these things and will probably never do them after I graduate so what is the point?

Two years later it had become very apparent that I no longer made my bed and shaved because I had to, but because I had enough self-worth to care about my belongings and my personal appearance. So many of our shortcomings spawn from our negative self-thoughts and fears. My fear of not living up to the expectations of society and life caused me to want to recluse into a world where there were no expectations. No dreams, no goals, and worst of all no hope.

I have come to the understanding that most of the first thoughts that pop into my head are probably not completely rational.

Today, I utilize a thing called collective intelligence. Whether it be solutions to a problem or emotions felt about a situation or person, it’s invaluable to get the opinions of others. When you can take the input of someone else and come to your own conclusions, you begin to look beyond the surface and critically determine what the best option is for any scenario.

There is a fine line between dependence and independence. I no longer feel the need to push away from those who care about me and have my best interests in mind. I also don’t feel the need to rely on anyone to the point where I lose my self-worth. Life is all about balance. A tightrope between the past and the present. As long as you put one foot in front of the other and focus on where you want to go, you’ll never go wrong.