Commit to yourself

Habili-blog 11/5/18
“Commit to yourself”
by Jared Mayes

I will never get used to people giving up on themselves.

After seeing it for so many years I have become numb to it, but to say it doesn’t affect me in some way shape or form would be a lie. I have learned to see everyone who comes into recovery as a little seed of potential. Some bloom into something beautiful and others wither away back into their addiction. If there was some sort of algorithm that could determine if someone would remain sober or not, treatment programs would have a lot easier job determining who should or shouldn’t gain admittance. Unfortunately, there is no mathematical equation. There is no test, and definitely not a physical attribute that you can use to gauge if an addict will be successful. The only thing a treatment facility can give is an opportunity. It is then up to the individual to accept the help offered.

I am merely a resident of the longest and quite possibly hardest program in the nation.

I’m no better or worse than anyone who has finished the program or given up on themselves. I still wonder how I managed to commit myself to something when most of my life I couldn’t commit to anything other than my heroin addiction. Like most, I wasn’t sure what I aimed to gain out of treatment. More than anything I was tired of the day to day hustle of living on the streets and wanted somewhere safe to lay down my head. I am often asked how I have made it as far as I have, and for the longest time, I had no answer.

There were times throughout my program that I felt like giving up. There were times I actually convinced myself that I was weak because I couldn’t even bring myself to leave the program. A weakness created solely by the level of value I held for myself which was whispering into my ear that I can’t do anything right. In my head I couldn’t even quit right. Looking back on the irony of allowing myself to think that me not giving up was a reflection of my shortcomings, I have come to realize that this was not weakness at all.

This was quite possibly the strongest thing I have ever done in my life.

All that is needed in the process of change is an even mixture of surrender and willingness. The surrender of leaving your comfortability and coping mechanisms at the door and the willingness not to turn around and pick them back up. Suffering is a part of life. There is no way around it. One could define addiction as the refusal to partake in suffering. The only way past suffering is through it. In fact, I’m willing to go as far as saying that suffering is essential to fully understanding its counterpart; pleasure. Addicts are so quick to look for false or temporary pleasure in drugs or other negative behaviors that they have no actual reference of suffering vs. pleasure. It’s common sense if you really break it down.

How do you expect to ever feel good if you’ve never had to feel bad?

I know that everyone reading this is probably thinking that they have spent most of their lives feeling bad. Withdrawals, sorrow, guilt; you name it we’ve felt it. Now it’s time to get honest. Do you actually feel that you worked through those feelings or did you find someway around it? Did you actually repair the dam, or did you just plug the leak with your finger? Learning to go through the hard times and take an inventory of how I actually feel vs. how my mind is telling me to feel is the most valuable tool I have learned in my recovery.

I know that there is no band-aid that can fix a broken arm. I have to experience the pain of resetting the bone and allowing the healing process to take place. It’s bittersweet when I hear people tell an addict all you have to do is stay. I do agree that the ability to stay at a program is imperative, but if you refuse to go through the hardships of your emotions there is nothing that any length of program can offer you.

Don’t just commit to a program. Commit to yourself.