I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts with anyone at all who may be interested. Long before I came to Habilitat, when I was in the throes of my addiction, I would measure the state of my life each Christmas that passed and I would ask myself where I was on that day as compared with the year before. Every year, for over eight years straight, the bitter answer I had to accept was that my life only grew darker and darker. Each year I grew more and more despondent as I realized yet another year had gone by and I was even further down the deep well of misery I had put myself in. Every Christmas was filled with a profound sense of loneliness, sadness and despair. I would curse God for this affliction he gave me. I felt that I was destined to die a junkie. People have different functions in life: some are doctors, some are lawyers, some are teachers…some are drug addicts and they are destined to die as drug addicts. That was me. That was who I believed I was supposed to be. By the time I had endured my ninth year of addiction, I had already been through four short to medium-term residential treatment programs never achieving more than four days clean after any of them. I was convinced beyond any doubt whatsoever that I would never, ever have a life worth living. The only question was how much more suffering would I have to endure until my tortured life would finally be over.
The words of one particular staff member assigned to me at my second stint in treatment in Kansas still echo in my mind as if it were yesterday. Responding to my desire that I wanted to leave the program, she said to me very matter of factly, “you’re one of the addicts that dies from their addiction! I’ve seen people like you come and go and I’ve seen them end up dead. That’s the very sad reality of who you are and what your life has become. What are you going to do about it?” Well, within a few days of hearing those words I did indeed walk out against medical advice. Almost immediately, I then went through another six month program which I did complete but after which I stayed clean for those four days I referred to earlier. Then another program, six weeks this time which, I again completed even though I was using and clocking the drug tests to avoid detection while I was in there. Two weeks after that, I was admitted to an intensive care unit comatose after a massive heroin overdose. I stayed in that coma for more than three days. The doctors had told my parents while they were standing over my lifeless body that I may live or I may die, it was fifty-fifty. I did actually flat-line, twice, and was revived twice.
I’ve just written this prelude for one reason and one reason alone. To reach people who may be suffering the way I was and for them to not naively think that only they know what it’s like to live this kind of life. They need to understand the utter depth of despair and hopelessness I felt. It was absolute sheer agony. It was horrible and horrific. I know what it’s like to wake up every day and to wish to God that I didn’t! I know what it’s like to constantly imagine putting a bullet in my head and to actually be able to imagine the relief that might come with that. I know what it’s like to drive down the road and every tree, light post or bridge I drove past represented a possible end if I would just veer the steering wheel in that direction. It would be over…it would finally be over.
Well, here I am today, eight years removed from that life, healthy and incredibly happy, living a life full of hope, full of truth, full of meaningful relationships and brimming with fulfillment. Habilitat helped me to achieve all of this. I am convinced that if I never stepped foot in that facility I would be existing only as a memory in my tortured parent’s minds with only a headstone to commemorate my miserable life. To say I am eternally and infinitely indebted to Habilitat is a gross understatement. Habilitat remains to be probably the single most profound experience I have ever had. For people like me, Habilitat was my ONLY hope and I didn’t even know it at the time. It would take time and it would take work but the specter of hope would only grow as long as I fed it.
To live free of the handcuffs of drug addiction is remarkably easy once all the hard work is done. To get to that point I had to walk through some dark tunnels filled with mirrors showing me exactly who I was and what I had become. Once my conscience came back it was very hard to look at myself but I had no choice. I was tired of wanting to die. I was tired of being so hopeless and afraid. I was tired of being a source of agony for good people who had no choice in the decisions I made. The change took time and it needed to take time. I needed to confront different aspects of who I had become. I needed to continuously confront my self-doubts and I needed to wage the war between the different characters that now lived within me. I did finally make it through and the biggest surprise to me would be my realization of just how much I had changed and how much strength I had within me. I did have the power to make choices in my life and that I never, ever had to revisit my past again. So what is the ultimate answer, for me at least?
It’s as simple (and as difficult sometimes) as just doing the next right thing. Honesty is the basis of my mental and emotional health. Without secrets there is no conscience to bear guilt and so there is no guilt to promote negative self-esteem, and so there is no negative self-esteem to make the specter of getting high more alluring. I treat myself well, I treat others well, I make my word mean something, I don’t lie, I don’t cheat, I don’t steal and I treasure what I once lost but somehow was lucky to be entrusted again with. Very shortly after leaving Habilitat the most surprising and liberating thing of all was that I almost never, ever thought about getting high. As the years have gone by, those thoughts have faded far, far away. I feel an internal strength where I can say with the utmost conviction that I will never experience those days again. I will always remain a junkie though because my mind will never forget who I was for so many years. That person is still there within reach and just a handful of poor decisions away. I am not worried; I am not worried at all. I return to the place that gave me life every year and I will continue to return every year until my time on this earth is over. I may never know what my true purpose on this earth is but I DO know what it isn’t! I definitely was not made to be a junkie or to die a junkie…
Induction day: January 14 2002
Graduation day: May 17 2004
The author requests to remain anonymous for professional reason.
